The Shadow Inside
by Halik
Summary: "He slammed his eyes shut as fast as he could. But it was too late. He had already seen and he could feel it growing inside of him. An idea. A horrible idea. And idea that he knew once he opened his eyes would consume him." The Doctor is taken as a child to look inside the Time Vortex.


The room of the Time Vortex was larger than anything that the eight year old boy could have imagined. The ceiling seemed to stretch on forever, his small neck craning the see the very top, and the glass ceiling almost magically, looked past the burnt orange Gallifreyan clouds into the blue and black swirling cosmos of course the boy knew that millions of nanotelescopes were embedded in the glass but he liked to think of it as magic. Unyielding stone columns held up the sky and seamlessly sloped into the floor, which in the center of the room opened up to reveal…nothing. Nothing but a hole between space and time. A gap into a swirling void, and everything both at the same time. And today was the day that he would finally get to look inside.

It made the boy's stomach churn and hearts race in his frail chest and fill his ears with their noise in utter terror, even though they had told him he should be excited. Today he would finally grow up.

Strong hands from one of his teachers pressed him forward, nudging him slowly towards the Time Vortex. He wanted to turn away from its infinite depths. He didn't want to know. His entire body squirmed with anticipation and fear; his head twitching back over his shoulder.

The door out of the room was only a few meters away. If he ran as fast as he could maybe he could make it out of this horrible place, his black and white dress robes might slow him down but he had a childish certainty that he could outrun the adults. He didn't want to grow up. He wasn't ready. But the cold hands were on the back of his neck, angling his head down into the chasm of time a space. Forcing him to stare into the swirling depths of hell.

Tears sprung in his glassy eyes, all of time and space swirling before him without discretion for a child's innocence. His head exploded in pain like knives being thrust into his skull from every direction and then withdrawing only to ferociously stab him once again. He slammed his eyes shut as fast as he could. But it was too late. He had already seen and he could feel it growing inside of him. An idea. A horrible idea. And idea that he knew once he opened his eyes would consume him.

The boy hurled the adults off him, his chest heaving, and every joint in his body rushing with fear driven adrenalin, bolting away as fast as he possibly could. His hands fumbled with the door knob, his face twisted in pain, throwing a shoulder against the door, so that when it did finally give way he fell to the floor of the waiting room. The children still waiting to be initiated peering over at him with naive innocence. He didn't even bother to glance up, simply laying on the floor amidst his dress robes, keeping his eyes locked shut, his cheek resting against the wonderfully cool surface. His mind bleeding from the stab wounds. Trying to keep the shadows that he had just seen from completely engulfing his mind.

He thought of red fields of grass and a summer setting sun that warmed his face and the stars that began to slip into view on the clear nights when he and his friends would wrestle in the grass until they were too tired to move anymore. Falling on their backs with laughter and looking up at the those twinkling lights of far off galaxies—

But all those lovely words could not keep the darkness out, tearing at his mind with an animalistic ferocity, clawing at this eyelids, coaxing them to open.

"I guess he ran away." One of the children whispered, a few of them letting out bursts of muffled laughter.

"What a wimp. Couldn't even handle a glimpse of Time."

Adult hands were wrapping around his shoulders, trying to help him up. He pushed them away. Pulling himself from the rough stone floor, brushing his light brown hair back from his face. And finally he gave in, unable to take the burning in his mind any further, and opened his eyes, and gave the boy who had spoken a cold hard stare.

He immediately regretted it, his hearts faltering when he allowed himself to speak. A foreign voice left his mouth. It was dry and chilled and older than he could possibly fathom. Devoid of joy or even wit. "Would you like to know what I saw in that chasm of hell, boy."

The boy who had spoken shook a "no", but he wasn't listening at this point, instead walking closer, the hungry smile of a predator carved into the corners of his mouth.

"I saw everything. I saw every person that I would kill or destroy. Every life that I would ruin, and let me tell you now, _child_, there were so many of them that your tiny little insect mind couldn't even begin to understand the number. Some of them deserved it. Most of them didn't. And I had to see that. Over and over again. And you mock that? I can't wait until you get to look into the vortex. I hope it drives you mad."

He leaned closer to the boy, whispering so that only he could hear. His lips pursed and thin with disgust.

"I saw what I would do to everyone. I watched this entire planet burn in bright crimson flames that licked the mountains and the sky like hungry tongues. Turning the great empire of Gallifrey into nothing more than dust in the endless cosmic wind. And I couldn't look away while I could hear every last one of you scream in my head, the young, the old, all unfaltering with their horrible cries for mercy. It. Was. So. Loud. And then there was no one. Just me in this horrible lonely head! But that's nothing. That's child's play in comparison to what would later come.

"And that's the best part, don't you know? It. Doesn't. Stop. For some reason the universe decides to keep me alive after that. And I just keep _living _and watching people _die _and I just keep trying to fix things. And that kills me. That kills everything that was once part of me until I become this…this monster that will destroy everything. An angry god. Hello, young Master, I'm the Valeyard. Or it will be. Someday, in a very long time."

Then he blinked, just for a second, and froze, drawing in a deep breath that seemed to last for an eternity, his pupils shrinking to the size to pinpoints, every muscle in his body rigid, his skin the color of paper. And then he shivered as though he had a horrible chill, the color flooding back into cheeks along with a perplexed expression that did not contain the ancient weight that they once had a moment ago

"Where am I?" he asked, glancing around. "What happened?" He looked down at the boy "Koschei, have I gone yet? I how did I do?"

The boy, Koschei, stateded at his best friend, shaking his head nervously, mind racing, unsure of what to say to his friend that hadn't been the kind and gentle friend he had known. He had been some darker shade of himself. A monster that Koschei did not know lay beneath the beaming eight year old exterior, filled with wonder and joy who now looked at him with so much innocent excitement that it seemed like he would explode from curiosity. He had been the _Valeyard._ And Koschei had a feeling that Theta would not like whoever the Valeyard was.

So what else could a good friend do, but lie.

"You didn't see anything Theta. You ran away before they could make you look."


End file.
